DownSyn Forum

[anthony]

any suggestions on helping my son, (4 years old) over come shyness. he's cool if he's in a familar setting, but once he's in a new environment, even with other kids he's comfortable with, he just absolutely shuts down.

he's not angry, or stimmy or anything, just glued (adorably) to my leg/chest/arm, anywhere-other-kids-aren't.

how do i help engage more, and explore unfamiliar environments?

here's a picture from today's trip to birthday party with zoomba dancing. glued.to.me.

[lespring]

What kind of reaction does he get from you for doing it? Some kids are truly shy, and some kids are a little bit shy but it's reinforced by mom and dad's reactions to it. You said he's glued "adorably". It's not really adorable if it's interfering with how he interacts with people. My guess you might be feeding the behavior. If you feed it with rubbing his back, and "you're ok." etc. he will continue the behavior. Holding him is reinforcing the behavior. If he is safe, there is no reason to encourage him to stay by you when you don't want him to. Don't give it any attention. Stay standing, and and don't encourage the behavior by feeding it.

Just ignore it. DON'T pick him up!!!! (and believe me, the first time you refuse to pick him up you're in for a DOOZIE of a tantrum!) No words to him, no reinforcing it with touch, no "You're ok honey". If it's really boring by you, and the behavior isn't getting reinforced, he's more likely to get tired of that and step out and do something.

I have a newly adopted son who is 7. He's the size of a typical 3 year old with the motor skills of a 12-18 month old. The caregivers in the orphanage used to carry him everywhere because 1) he's tiny 2) he's very cute 3) he gives the best hugs. Guess what? HE'S SEVEN!!!! I am NOT going to carry/hold him. Nope. He's got two feet and he needs to use them or his motor and social skills will never improve. There is a time for holding and cuddling, but the middle of a social setting isn't it. The first few times I refused to pick him up he screamed like I was murdering him. Worked before, right????? WHY NOT NOW????? He's been home 2 months now. Still asks to get picked up all the time, but I just move his hands away and look. He gets the message and he takes my hand instead.

_________________
~Leah~

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mom to Rob 26, Noah 25, Tyler 23, Bryon 23, Angela 16 (DS), Axel 12 (DS, adopted from Serbia 12/2012, AAI w/fusion) Asher 7 (DS adopted from Serbia 12/2011, AAI non-fusion)

[LinMac]

Are either parent shy by nature? Perhaps he just needs handling in new situations? or more warm up time?
Sounds like you're doing the right things...exposing him to the new and just being there for him. In time he'll gain confidence.

My typical daughter was the same....took till she was about 8 before she stopped sticking to us at events.
She took a long time to warm up. I noticed it was almost always time to come home before she ready to engage. LOL!
She was our first child, she'd no other sibling to help support and model for her!

The good news is at 13 she is a strong confident young woman. She now volunteers to read most Sundays at our local church, has had two lead part in school plays, etc.

Patience is what is needed here...take your cue from your son. If he needs you, be there! When you see signs that he can negotiate with you at a distance, stand back! It takes time but your son will get there!

Good Luck!

_________________
Linda & John
mom to Hannah Kate (Age 14 ), Robert (Aged 9 - DS)


First Communion Day

[TheBradyBunch]

I tend to agree with Leah's approach.

Over the years I have been to a few kindergarten entries, preschool entries, birthday parties and whatever else for the kids...the ones who appear to be "scared" are also the ones who's parents comfort them relentlessly "in their time of need". However, I have never been that type of parent, the kids know where we are going, I tell them it'll be fun. I will hang out for a bit, but I'm incredibly boring and don't so much as make eye contact, usually talk to other parents or something, and I'm able to leave in 5 mins max. Then there are the parents who's kids are crying and the parents are "oh it's ok honey come give me a hug, you'll be fine"...blah blah blah. Those are also the parents who have to go and stay in class for several weeks. The kids feed off of the adults.

There is definately a time and place for cuddles and comfort, and right now it seems your son has made all public appearances that time.

_________________
Mom to: Nicholas (May/02), Nathan (April/04), Charlene (June/06), Noah (DS, ASD) (May/07), Jesse Lynn (July/08 ), Tessa (Apr/10), Kaitlyn (Jun/12)

"Sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us"

[kctahoe]

My son Charlie, now 6, was always like that. Mostly he still is, but as he gets older (especially the last year) he has seemed to move past his shyness--and it was a debilitating shyness. He is just to a point developmentally now where he is not so timid and unsure, but I think the biggest thing is he is to a point developmentally where he can predict what is going to happen even in a strange environment, so he is not so scared. Some things we used to do that helped were 1) never make a big deal of it, 2) take him somewhere more quiet for a while so he could acclimate to the event without all the noise (the noise seems to be a big factor for Charlie, but never could get him to wear ear plugs), 3) make sure we had food to give him asap, even right before we went in to make sure we were not also dealing with low blood sugar, 4) we only figured this out in retrospect, but if we could have brought a pecs schedule that might have helped. Charlie seems to do much better when the event is outside, so maybe keep that in mind when deciding what engagements to try with him. Hopefully he'll be able to move past it as he matures and gains language skills.

_________________
Kim. Wife to Ray, Mommy to Charlie (DS), Calvin, and Miles.